December 9 I 2013
I’ve decided I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. I don’t care for it. I really don’t mind not finding a significant other. I have given up on that, not because i’m lazy or anything, but because I just don’t believe anyone is good enough for me. If they are good enough, then they don’t want me anyway. I’m constantly horny though. Not a day goes by that I don’t have these sexual cravings. I don’t want to use another person solely for sex though. I have always thought that sex should be something between two people in love…or at least when you ARE in love, it will enhance it. If I wouldn’t want to deal with the person that I am going to have sex with, then why would I go ahead and sleep with them in the first place? That is what masturbating is for. The only thing is, well for my situation, is that I have to share a room. Sharing a room with someone is one of the most horrible things a sexually frustrated person can go through. I kind of hate it, honestly. It would be nice to have a room all to myself and to be able to lock the door whenever I please. I could indulge in touching myself and just having privacy in general. Not to mention I wouldn’t have to stay extremely quiet when I do. I’m going to be 100% truthful with these journal entries. I do masturbate with the other person still in the room. I haven’t done it recently though. I just get sick and tired of having to constantly strap myself down to the bed when I get that itch. This person never leaves the room too and I feel like sometimes they try to watch me when I masturbate. It’s kind of unsettling, isn’t it? That’s what I thought at first, I just stopped caring altogether. If they want to stare at me at night and pretend they are sleeping, then go right on ahead! I’m not going to hold myself back. But nowadays I just wait until they leave or just not do anything at all. I try my best not to think about sex. It always ends with me feeling terribly unsatisfied and sometimes unwanted. Oh well.
December 6 I 2013
I’ve been reading many inspirational quotes lately, especially following the death of Nelson Mandela. I feel like I can still change my life for the better and make things finally work. I applied for a job at a local Office Depot, literally walking distance, and today i’m going to speak with an academic adviser to see what I can do to stay at the university. If I have to leave the school for whatever reason, then i’m going to attend a community college about 25 minutes away from my house. There is a jc closer to my house, but I’d rather not go there just because they aren’t exactly the best out there and the person who bullied me in high school goes there. I would just prefer not to see their face ever again. Anyway, this post is going to be pretty long. I have to make up for these past couple of days that I haven’t been on. Well, aside from everything looking up and what not, I’m having trouble with my ex. I don’t know if I can even say that I was in a relationship with them, but here is how it all went down. So, I set up two accounts on this dating website as sort of an at-home sociology experiment. The reason why I decided to do this was because I wanted to study the amount and quality of feedback between two people of different ethnicities. For one account, I used my actual pictures and for the other I used someone else’s. There were no differences between the two profiles other than the pictures, the usernames (which were literally one letter off), and the name that I used for the other account. Everything was perfectly symmetrical - the description, height, body type, religious views…everything. I even responded to messages on the other account exactly as I would with the one using my own pictures. Alright, so I met this person through the second profile and we automatically clicked. I never wanted to find someone to actually become romantically involved with, as this was purely for experimental purposes, but this person seemed to understand me a great deal. As our relationship progressed, I felt exceedingly uncomfortable with the fact that I had been lying through my fingertips to this person that I felt so strongly in love with. I tried several times to cut it off and move on with my life, but there was always something that brought me back to this particular person. I feel as if there might have been some form of manipulation going on, but I really don’t know. Every time I would stop talking to them, they would cry and write me paragraphs and paragraphs of emails telling me that they don’t understand why I ended our relationship so abruptly. I would get voice mails every single day of them weeping over the phone and trying to come up with some kind of explanation as to why I didn’t want to be with them. It hurt, every time I would hear it. I knew that they had been in a rough relationship a few months prior to the one we shared. Over the course of our 5 months together, I could sense that this person was becoming somewhat obsessed with me (or the person who they thought I was). They found my Snapchat account through their contacts list and added me. I knew that this whole scheme of mine was going too far. One day I sent them a simple snap - the blinds of the sliding door next to my bed. They asked if it was me (using the name of the second profile) and I said yes. I only wanted to explain to them what had been going down for the past few months. They seemed so elated to hear from me, as I had been ignoring their calls and messages for a couple weeks before, and it tore me up so much. It wasn’t the right thing to do, but I carried on with pretending to be this person. I made them think that everything was peachy and that the hole in our relationship was finally patched up. I carried it on like this for another week and a half until I felt absolutely sick with myself. I stopped talking to them yet again, but this time for about three weeks. I sent them a letter through the mail, basically making it sound as though the person they knew was dead and gone. As if that person disappeared off of the face of the earth. They didn’t understand. Instead of taking it and leaving it at that, they messaged me numerous times. They called me self-righteous and said things like, “I guess I deserved it, right? You are too good.” Being as disgusted with myself as I was, I decided to try to come clean to them. I sent a snap as myself. When they asked if I was the second profile, I said no and that I didn’t know anyone who had that name. We responded to each other a few times through pictures, but they didn’t seem interested in me at all. I kept feeling as if they were bored with me and that they wanted the conversation to end as soon as possible. A couple days ago, I added a few pictures to “My Story”. I purposefully made them out in the fashion that I would when I was pretending to be the second profile, in a desperate attempt to get a grasp of their attention. They noticed immediately and sent me a snap saying that they were confused. I was at loss for words. I wasn’t expecting them to respond so quickly. Instead of explaining everything to them. I completely shut them off again. I was too scared to respond or say anything. I knew I would have to tell them one day, but my explanation just doesn’t seem valid. They wouldn’t believe me if I told them the truth and even if they did, they would think that the whole relationship was a lie. I loved everything about them. Their taste in music, their honesty, their integrity, their personality, their smile, the way that they laughed, how I could tell them all of my problems, how they loved it when I called them the stupid little pet names I came up with - “angel” “honeydew” “lovely” “sweet pea” “darling”, the little sigh that they gave after we shared our fantasies over the phone. I loved how I could always tell when they were smiling when we spoke. We had so much in common - our favorite color, sense of humor, favorite ice cream flavor, favorite theme parks, fear of heights, views on situations/experiences, our insecurities, goals/ambitions, etc….they even spoke the language that I had always found to be most attractive (my views on this have changed now). They were one of the most beautiful and genuine creatures I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. It’s all falling down now. I don’t know what to tell them. I don’t know how to go about explaining to them that although the pictures weren’t me, I still do truly love them. I should have told them from the beginning, right? I couldn’t. It was only an experiment.
December 3 I 2013
I’m tired of living this particular life. Most times I wish I could just pass on and be re-born into a different person. How lovely it would be if it were so. Lately I’ve been extremely unsuccessful at almost everything. I feel so useless and weak. A few months ago, I started college thinking it was going to be the most eye-opening and awakening experience of my life. I thought I was going to have so much fun and make at least 10 or 20 friends within the first semester. I thought I would find someone who looked at me with such love in their eyes and consider me their muse. I thought I was going to be studying for hours and hours and gain so much knowledge about the world. I thought my room mates and I were going to be life long friends and go out to spend time with each other outside of school. I thought my style and the way that I dressed would change instantly. I thought I was going to lose so much weight and tone at the gym. I thought I was going to be invited to parties every weekend. I thought my teachers would love me, because this would be a new me. I would be someone who had goals set in their mind and actually achieve them. But none of that happened. In fact, what seemed to be the absolute opposite of all of this is what I experienced. I didn’t make 10-20 friends. I didn’t even make 2. Out of the entire semester, I only met one person who I could actually consider a friend and we don’t even talk that much. Nobody looks at me and attempts to pursue me. Instead they all look forward as if I’m not even in their peripheral vision. This doesn’t bother me as much though. People tend to have hectic lives while in college and they never have time to bat a single eyelash at another person. I moved back home, because my room mates were talking behind my back since the first day I arrived. Instead of studying, I’ve been smoking marijuana and focusing on other people’s lives. Instead of being at the height of fashion, i’m exactly where I was last year. If anything, people seem to judge the way that I dress more in college than in high school. I lost about 10 pounds the first month of school, but now I am slowly gaining it back. I need to stop eating so heavily. I binge so much when I should be eating fruits and vegetables. I have failed every single class and it really is affecting me. I have never done so poorly in school in my whole life. To top it all off, I only get financial aid if I pass my classes. It’s so far into the semester at this point, that there is no chance of redeeming myself. Everyone that I have turned to - my siblings, my grandpa, my mom, my asshole of a dad - have told me that I just wasted not only all this money, but everybody’s time and energy. I feel like shit. I really do. I know how much I’ve wasted and I want to fix it so badly. I want to fix me. I’ve never felt so down and low about myself before. I’m just sick of being me. I want to become someone successful, intelligent, social, charming, educated, quick-witted, thin, musically savvy, independent, adventurous, energetic, but most of all, I want to be healthy.
What you have stumbled across here is a journal. Somewhat of a virtual diary, I suppose. In this journal, you will find my inner thoughts, my precious secrets, and my unshed tears.